Baroness von Barrenness

Happy "Wish-day" to me!

This might be a little attention whore-ish of me, or at least a little shameless cross-posting and self-promotion, although promotion doesn't seem like the right word either. But there was something that seemed fitting for both my [blog name removed] blog (which now also deals with my pregnancy and is read by friends and family) and this blog (which is still relatively anonymous and deals now with pregnancy after infertility/subfertility - and things I don't want my father to read about like shaving my hoo-ha).

Anyway, I thought the readers of this blog might like to read today's post [link removed - if you know me, you'll be able to find it] about an anniversary of sorts over at the other blog. I hope you like it.

Zwanger!

I bought a new, Dutch pregnancy test yesterday. And we got two lines again this morning! I'm pregnant!

But please! This blog is still mostly anonymous. My family doesn't know about it, and most of my friends don't know about it. So please don't mention anything on my other blog or tell anyone "from the real world" yet!

With what we learned about my eggs from genetic testing during IVF, we're trying not to get too excited. But I'm already learning about what it means to have a baby over here. I'll try to post about that somewhat regularly.

In the meantime, woo hoo!

-The Barrenness

My first two lines...

Uh...Houston? We have two distinct lines on an HPT. We're not getting our hopes up because the test expired six months ago. But two lines are there, and I'm late for my period. Holy crap.

-The Barrenness

p.s. NOBODY TELL MY MOTHER!

Dutch health insurance

The Netherlands recently began requiring ALL Dutch citizens to have health insurance. Above and beyond the most basic level of insurance we're required to purchase, we have three options for additional coverage. The highest level appears to include full coverage of a first attempt at IVF. We may no longer be considering IVF, but I'm guessing it means that it would also cover diagnosis of whatever is actually wrong with me and attempts to treat it before resorting to IVF again.

The additional cost of this highest level of coverage? About $22/month. !!!

That's not much considering the cost of doctor's visits, tests, hormones/medication, etc. But I'm also trying to pick through the fine print regarding what prescriptions are and aren't covered and what women's health care treatment is like over here.

-The Barrenness

Taking charge of my fertility?

It's been about three years since I decided to go off birth control and read Toni Weschler's book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I would still recommend the book, even though I've still not been able to conceive.

When I first started charting my cycles, my temps were really pretty random, and it was often difficult to discern when I'd actually ovulated.

I stopped charting last year, sometime amid our two IVF attempts. When I restarted in November, I was surprised to find that my temperatures were much steadier. I thought maybe my body was stabilizing somehow. Maybe the steady temps were an indication of normal hormone levels and that with enough time, I would develop good quality eggs and have healthy ovulations. Maybe we might be able to conceive on our own!

But despite the steady temps, one thing appears to have worsened. My luteal phase still varies, and this last cycle it was at most 8 days (difficult to tell because the travel and time change affected my temps).

So what to do next? I'm getting more settled into my new job and could see about starting up with a different doctor. But there may be some implications from Mr. Baroness's potential job change (more on that to come), and I want to see how that pans out first.

In the meantime I'll just bide my time charting new cycles and tracking data for whatever next steps we take.

- The Barrenness

Making up for lost blogging

Dear Blog:

I feel as though we haven't talked in forever. I know it sounds petty and a little false when I tell you that it's all because of this new job. But you must believe me. I miss you, Blog. Really, I do. Let me make it up to you. Let me fill you in on all the wonderful and only slightly crap-tastic happenings in my life as of late.

Thing 1: My New Job
Yes, occasionally as I sit at my keyboard wondering why I'm restricted from accessing Gmail, I think that my new job is attempting to suck out my soul. And I wish it would do so through my ears so that I wouldn't have to listen to some of the conversations going on around me that keep me from doing my work and feeling as though I'm actually earning the gobs of money they're paying the consulting firm for which I work.

And then there are times that my coworkers approach to ask me questions as though -- gasp -- they understand and appreciate what I do. Could it be? Yes, it could! I think it was Annie (of the Little Orphan variety) who once said/sang, "I think I'm gonna like it here." But I'm holding my breath until we all actually go out to lunch together later this week when we might be able to do a little bonding.

Thing 2: My Dream Job
I've finally figured it out! I wrote up a much nicer version of this in my journal yesterday. (Wait -- I mean -- my dearest darling Blog, that journal means nothing to me. It's purely physical. It understands my need to put pen to paper instead of just blather through my fingertips without an editor!) Mr. Baroness and I were on a tour of Zingerman's Creamery. Somewhere between listening to John Loomis talk about the plight of the American Dairy Farmer and tasting vanilla gelato straight from the machine (aka heaven in a styrofoam cup), I realized that what I really want to do is research and write a travel guide book of artisanal food and beverage makers. For so many reasons, I love this idea. I may elaborate on this later.

Thing 3: How to Irritate Me
If you're going to drive the speed limit or lower, GET. OUT. OF. THE. FAST. LANE.

Thing 4: My Body
This has been the most beautiful chart of my menstrual cycle to date. Steady temps at 97.7 degrees before ovulation. A day of EWCM last Sunday. An obvious temp shift up to 98.3 last Tuesday and holding relatively steady since. And when did we have sex? Oh maybe a couple weeks ago. Oh well. Such are the risks you take when baby-making takes a back seat. Maybe WE need to take IT into the back seat.

Thing 5: 20 Hours of Hot, Steamy Knitting
Last but not least, thanks to the knitting club ladies who all go together last weekend for the annual Knitters Retreat. Thanks, especially, to our hostess and bachelorette who now has us all wondering if we really can make our own good DIY porn. The knitting and sauna and eating and, most of all, girl talk were just what I needed before I started the new job. Don't forget -- next year there are plans for watching Antonia's Line and Carmen Electra's Official Striptease Workout.

Love,
The Barrenness

Oh! And how could I forget?

I almost forgot! I was checking out the two health insurance plans I could choose from for this new position. One is an HMO, but it offers 50% coverage for infertility consultation and treatment (excluding in vitro). How cool is that?!? I also checked, and the doctor we got a second opinion from in Chicago is in the network. Very exciting!

-The Barrenness

The Kindness of Co-Workers

Mr. Barrenness and I are lucky that we both work with some pretty nice people. He does note sometimes how weird it is for him to work with a group of mostly middle-aged women, having to hear about menopause and hot flashes and whatnot. But for the most part, they've really taken him under their wings and taken good care of him. They all look out for me, too, knowing how his busy travel schedule can get old pretty quickly.

Anyway, over the past couple months we've been telling various people, including our co-workers, about our infertility and IVF. Mr. Barrenness said that he had told one of his co-workers, S, about what we'd been going through. He said he explained without going into too many details what the problem seemed to be (egg quality), and - I still can't get over this - she replied, "Oh. So I couldn't even carry for you."

OH MY GOD. I know this will probably sound weird or creepy to someone who doesn't know her. Let me be perfectly clear: this is NOT in the least bit creepy. This was the sweetest thing. So thoughtful and generous, without S seeming to even bat an eyelash.

Sometimes I just can't believe there are people like this in the world, much less in our lives.

-The Barrenness

Of These, Hope

El Marido and I were in Chicago over the weekend and met with a doctor to get a second opinion on whether or not we should try for a third and final round of IVF. This doctor seemed pretty dissatisfied with my diagnosis of unexplained infertility and was interested in trying to get to the bottom of that as best as she could by talking with us, looking at my cycle charts and going through my medical file from my other RE.

She thinks there obviously isn't anything wrong with my ovarian reserves because they were able to retrieve so many eggs for both our rounds of IVF. But she thinks that my irregular cycles, which are
apparently much more anovulatory than I understood them to be, are symptomatic of something else happening in my "hormonal milieu". Without ordering up any bloodwork (this was just a consultation), she's guessing it might be PCOS, even though I don't fit the typical
phenotype.

She thinks if we were able to better determine where my hormonal imbalance is that we might be able to treat the infertility without doing IVF again. I do think she's also baffled as to why neither IVF cycle with genetically normal eggs worked.

El Marido and I are going to try to do a little more research on PCOS and decide whether we want to push my current RE on a course of action to better get at the root cause, try to find another RE here in our own state, or start going to this doctor in Chicago (since going to Chicago once a month or so would still be cheaper than doing IVF out of pocket again).

Anyway - I guess the long and short of it is that there isn't really any news per se, but I am actually starting to have some hope again that we might be able to have kids of our own someday.

- The Barrenness

It's getting worse. It's getting better.

We've bought our tickets. Going out of state next weekend to see our parents. They all probably think we've been trying to get pregnant, but they've all been nice enough not to say anything. They haven't asked. They haven't teased. They haven't harassed. For that I am extremely thankful. But I am NOT looking forward to this trip, the sole purpose of which is to break the news to them of what we've been going through and for them to start getting used to the idea that they might not have grandchildren through us. FUN! How many boxes of Kleenex do you think I should pack?

In my last post I mentioned that I'm somewhat worried I've started to give up on the idea of having kids. My attempts to accept my infertility have led me to thoughts of how much more travel El Marido and I could enjoy to far-away exotic locales sans children. And how we would be able to invest in our retirement more easily. And how my boobs might retain their current semi- full and upright positions. You know - all the superficial, materialistic and self-centered things I currently enjoy in my child free life. I have also been watching the way I'm so on-edge, easily frustrated and temperamental with El Perro. If I can't deal with the dog driving me nuts, how will I deal with a child? Maybe it would be better if I didn't have children?

I don't yet WANT to give up on the idea of having kids, but I've started down the road.

And then I read Getupgrrl's post today:

I just want to tell you that however you get there, whatever your path, it's not a mistake.  It's worth it.  It's better than they tell you.  And although I wish I had experienced more faith and peace during the past few months, I also know that I couldn't have predicted just how good it would be.

Well dang. How did she read my mind?

-The Barrenness