Baroness von Barrenness

Happy "Wish-day" to me!

This might be a little attention whore-ish of me, or at least a little shameless cross-posting and self-promotion, although promotion doesn't seem like the right word either. But there was something that seemed fitting for both my [blog name removed] blog (which now also deals with my pregnancy and is read by friends and family) and this blog (which is still relatively anonymous and deals now with pregnancy after infertility/subfertility - and things I don't want my father to read about like shaving my hoo-ha).

Anyway, I thought the readers of this blog might like to read today's post [link removed - if you know me, you'll be able to find it] about an anniversary of sorts over at the other blog. I hope you like it.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

My belly button is disappearing. That's cool!

And my linea negra is showing. That probably should be cool, but it's not.

I'm also starting to have difficulty putting on shoes and socks. Maybe I was cocky. I never thought I would have as much difficulty doing those things as other pregnant woman do. I figured that my flexibility would work in my favor. Yeah...not so much.

I also made a startling realization in the shower today. I was shaving...ahem...down there, and realized that I'd better keep it up as frequently as I can now. Because one day, very very soon I fear, I will no longer be able to bend over to do it. Great.

Sorta scary

I had  a meeting this morning with a man whose company might print some brochures for us. But at some point while listening to him go on and on about his company and the town he lives in and all the other towns where his company has offices, I noticed that I started to feel a little light-headed.

Before work I'd eaten what I thought was a pretty good breakfast - some All Bran Fruit & Fibre cereal with yogurt and a glass of juice. So I knew it wasn't an empty stomach, and I hoped it would pass just by sitting calmly like I'd done Monday morning when I felt this way.

It took a while to get a break in the conversation when I thought I might be able to hurry through next steps and get him out the door. And in spite of hoping, it didn't go away by just sitting there. I'd never met the man before, so I didn't think I could just say, "Excuse me. I'm feeling faint,'' and lie down on the floor. I'm not that kind of girl. But eventually, as I asked for the name of the technical contact, tunnel vision began setting in a little.

THANK GOD I SHARE AN OFFICE WITH MY HUSBAND.

He heard me say, "Excuse me. I'm feeling faint,'' and ushered the man out of the office to the coffee machine so I could try and recover myself. I tried, sitting in my desk chair, to put my head between my knees. But it's become difficult lately to bend at the waist and breathe at the same time, so I thought I'd try a different position.

I was sort of draped on my chest and stomach over another office chair, my head and arms hanging over the back. I thought to myself, "This is a weird, sort of embarrassing position. I hope no one passing in the hallway has seen me. Then again, they might ask it I'm alright and I don't know when Charles will be back and ... how long has he been gone?"

And THEN I realized that I hadn't intentionally put myself in that position. I'd meant to sit on the floor against the wall.

So yeah - I'd blacked out in my office.

I slowly got myself up, closed the door to the office a little and lay down flat on my back.  It wasn't long before Charles returned, helped me to sit up, helped me to a chair (to sit in the proper position) and gave me some water and a spoon to eat some of the cottage cheese I'd brought to work with me.

I sat alone for a few minutes to make sure the light-headedness passed and then found them both in the lobby area discussing display materials. I quickly and apologetically wrapped up business with the printer and saw him off and generally felt fine the rest of the day.

I don't know exactly what caused it, but some quick Googling returned some pages about low blood pressure. (The nurse who took mine at my regular appointment yesterday said it was good.) But I'm definitely going to be more aware of how I'm feeling while driving and while walking the dog alone, especially in the mornings.

Out of the proverbial closet

Charles finally spoke with the doctor again last Tuesday. He had spoken with some colleagues about our test results and about what we knew from PGD. They agreed with him that they would advise against CVS, and they don't think we need to worry about problems with the other chromosome pairs.

And the good news sharing began! There were a handful of people whom we'd told already about the pregnancy: our parents (of course), siblings, closest friends and our boss. Now we've started sending out emails to the larger group of friends and former coworkers, and we've gotten such amazing responses from people who are so happy for us. 

Here are a few of the really fun ones:

• OH MY GOD!!! Congratulations! I'm so excited for you guys, I'm crying and I swear it's not because I'm like a thousand weeks pregnant myself and willing to cry over anything. ;) I have baby stuff like crazy to send you - and just - *squeeee*. I'm glad everything is looking good, please keep us posted!
• YAY! Oh my god!!!!! Yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Okay, I know that this is pretty poor response time for me, but I've been somewhat dumbstruck. I've always believed that you folks would make fantastic parents. I'm so happy that this is happening for you guys.
• WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!  Many many many many congrats. I am so happy for you guys. No one could ask for better parents, so that's one lucky kid. Enjoy this time...
• Congratulations!!! Can't believe you made us wait until almost the end of the email. Steve and I are both so thrilled for you and Charles. Although we never really discussed it, I know how desperately you had wanted this to happen and I can't imagine two people more deserving of being parents.  We'll look forward to long distance baby pictures in the spring.
• OMG!!!!! This is wonderful news!  I am sitting here trying to hold back my tears of joy! I really needed to hear news like this. We are so happy for you both! And your minion will have dual citizenship I am guessing? How cool is *that*! Happy Happy Joy Joy!
• Hooray and wonderful news! Made my whole month!
• I don't know that I have ever been happier upon hearing about a pregnancy than when I heard your news - so a big old, from the bottom of my heart congratulations -- I/We are thrilled for you both!!

It feels so great to finally start to feel more excited than worried about this pregnancy, and to share the excitement with all these special people.

We even got our first baby gift last week! We had dinner with a coworker and his family, and they gave us a onesie! How cool is that?

Ultrasound (round 1)

Here are a couple ultrasound photos from a few weeks ago, when I was 9 weeks, 4 days. The quality isn't the best, but I hope to upload a couple better, more recent shots soon.

Update!

Apologies for the lack of posts for so long. I've gotten some very sweet and greatly appreciated emails from some of you who've been checking here for updates and found nothing. In this case, no news has been good news, and part of the delay was due to a much-needed weekend vacation in London.

The day of our ultrasound, they took a blood sample to measure HCG. Apparently with Down's babies, there's an elevated level of HCG in the mother's bloodstream. They combined the results from that test with the nuchal fold measurements taken via ultrasound this past Tuesday to assess our risk level for Down Syndrome and Edward's Syndrome (Trisomy 18). The average 31 year-old mother has about a 1:800 risk of Down's, and my risk level based on test results was reduced to about 1:8000. I don't recall the average risk for Edward's, but my risk level for that was reduced to about 1:120,000.

Of course we feel pretty good about that. I think at our first visit the doctor was talking about looking at 1:100 or 1:250 risks and having to decide whether or not to do CVS. CVS has about a 1-2% chance of causing a miscarriage, far greater than our assessed risk of something actually being wrong, so the doctor does not think we should do it. We tend to agree based on the numbers, but our doubts based on emotion are still there. Charles wants to make sure we fully understand the numbers and that we're not going with just one person's opinion. So the doctor has offered to speak with a colleague and call us today with a second opinion.

But like I said, we're feeling pretty good. The ultrasound Tuesday was WONDERFUL. It was like Baby TV for about 20 minutes! He was sleeping part of the time, but when he woke up he was moving all around, waving his arms, grabbing the umbilical cord, sticking out his tongue, everything. Neither of us expected the baby to be moving around so much at this point. (No, it's too early to tell the sex, but it's too difficult to remain gender-neutral with this. So I'm just going to refer to the baby as "he" for now. I may switch back and forth with "she" in other posts.)

In addition to the certified echoscopist who performed the test, there was also a midwife in training. She said she needed more practice and asked if we wouldn't mind coming back for another ultrasound. Of course we didn't mind, so we went back to the hospital again last night for another round of Baby TV with her and two other midwives in training. Can't beat a free ultrasound and a couple more pictures!

Barring any hesitancy from the doctor (if he does phone today), we will probably start sharing the good news with EVERYONE soon. I can't wait! There are so many people I want to tell who I know are going to be thrilled for us. It brings tears to my eyes to think of all the kind sentiments people have expressed since we started opening up about this last year.

For now I'm starting to think about when I can get back the States to see friends and family (hopefully when I have a bit of a belly!).

Our due date is May 20, 2007.

-The Not-So-Barrenness

First ultrasound: it's really a baby!

Wednesday's appointment went better than we could have expected. We had an ultrasound and could see the baby so easily -- a distinct head, body, arms and legs. And it looked like a baby, not like an alien! We also heard a good, strong heartbeat. The doctor measured it at nine weeks three days -- exactly on target with when I think we conceived!

The doctor was really practical, too, which was such a relief. We explained how we'd gone through IVF (without any conclusive diagnosis other than "ovulatory dysfunction" without a known cause) and how PGD had revealed chromosomal problems with so many of the embryos. And he was very matter-of-fact and realistic and said that obviously there was cause for concern and that we could do any of a number of things, starting with a blood test and nuchal fold screening ultrasound, then possibly CVS if there seemed to be an increased chance for Down's or something. He also explained that with increased certainty that there was increased risk to the fetus; with CVS there as a 1-2% chance of risking the pregnancy which, in his words, was not a small risk.

So we all seemed to be on the same page. They did the blood draw there at the hospital, and we're scheduled for a nuchal fold U/S in three weeks with someone who specializes in that, and then a follow-up appointment with the doctor the next day.

We were so excited and so relieved that (after lunch in Meppel) we called our parents. Of course they were so excited, too, and there was quite a bit of crying. Charles' mother screamed when I told her and said, "Oh! I knew you would!" My parents are visiting my great-Aunt Alice this weekend. She's basically like a grandmother to me and dealt with infertility herself. So I gave them the go-ahead to tell her in person. And then we called our siblings later in the day. I also sent an email to my two best friends yesterday to let them know. M had the funniest response so far:

ROCK the FUCK on.  (Geez, I should be in the baby greeting card business, shouldn't I?  That was like, fucking poetry.)

It's so much nicer now to be able to be excited and to tell people and have them be excited for us! For the previous five weeks I'd just been feeling nervous and scared and anxious and lonely. Now I feel like I'm allowed to get excited, and the balance is great!

Yay! I hurled!

I have to admit I was a little worried this morning. With my cold subsiding, my energy seemed to be coming back and my appetite wasn't bad either. I was worried it was the end of my pregnancy symptoms.

And then the remnants of the cold - some phlegm - got the best of me. I coughed so hard to get rid of it that I ended up losing my breakfast. I'll take it as a good sign and try to stop worrying until we go see the doctor Friday.

-The Barrenness