What to say to someone struggling with infertility

This is a topic that's often on my mind because of the frequency with which it pops up on an online message board that I still visit daily for women struggling with infertility. The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse.

The fact that I seem to have overcome my infertility doesn't mean that I no longer think about this. On the contrary, I'm now afraid that people will hold up my husband and I as an example -- poster children for overcoming infertility -- and have us in mind when they say some of these unintentionally insensitive things to other women or couples who are struggling.

And so I offer you:

What not to say to someone dealing with infertility:

1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.

2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.

3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.

As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.

4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.

Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?

5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.

Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.

6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.

What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?

1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

2. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.

4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.

I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening. Thanks for reading!!!

Comments

[Jenn]

Amen!

[Jss95AG]

This is an excellent article. Thanks.

[Crafty Canadian]

Great suggestions but you are missing a big one - "Maybe if you lost some weight..."

The infertile brain hears "It's your own fault you can't get pregnant, if you had eaten fewer cookies maybe you'd have a baby." So now your not just broken, your fat too.

This one can come pop up with surprising frequency and from the most surprising places, however, it should only be given consideration if made by your doctor.

[Mari]

Hi everyone, I discovered a book that might be relevant to the topic discussed here.
It's called "The Natural Diet Solution for PCOS and Infertility" by Dr. Nancy Dunne.
It's a comprehensive book that covers dozens of topics. Here's a link to her
PCOS diet book's table of contents.

[Paola]

This is a very good article. This is one of the issues that bother me most. I have to learn that people speak too much about something they know so little.

[mv]

Thank you for those observations! I've had every one of those comments said to me....Best wishes to all of us who struggle with infertility.

[Jo]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have these conversations all the bloody time and it drives me crazy - either that or people just avoid talking about it.......

[Az Hassan]

It's difficult to put on a deaf year at times, when you tried your best to appear calm & positive, but the truth you're crying silently inside your heart.

[DB]

Another good response could be "I'm so sorry for your loss". I am barren, and I treat it as a death. It IS a loss and should be acknowledged as one.

GREAT article. Hope many read this and learn!

[Kitty]

But...you haven't answered for the dumb folks like me trying to offer comfort to my sister...if I offer to talk about it with her when she wants to bring it up and she says yes...what do I say then? Just keep repeating "I'm sorry you're going through this?" Is there anything ELSE I can say besides that? I can't say "I'm here for you but I have nothing else to say." I don't know what to say. When I say "What can I do for you?" she doesn't know. Nor do I. I'm at a loss on how to help her.

[Rebekah]

I loved this article. Im gonna make copies and give it to each one of my family members. I have heard it all and it hurts especially coming from people who have no clue

[DC]

The most painful thing I have heard so far has been from my Mother. My sister and I both have suffered from PCOS and Fibroid Tumors most of our adult lives. After many years of "trying" my sister was so ill she gave up and had a hysterectomy. I have been married 2 years and am 40. We have been unable to conceive at all and am being referred to a fertility specialist now. My Mother whines to both of her girls that she will never have a biological grandchild. She brings it up often and I cry every time. As if we don't feel horrible enough. She even sniveled to my sis and her hubby while she was still in the hospital recovering from her recent surgery. She has several grandchildren from my stepbrother. I guess the fact that they absolutely adore their Grammy is not good enough. Heaven forbid if any of the kids hear her complain about not having bio-grandkids. It would crush them too.

[Malissa Hernandez]

Thank you so much for writing this post. I have been dealing with these kinds of comments for years. I know that people mean well but sometimes they are extremely difficult to swallow. Keep writing!

[Sara]

I actually got asked last night if I was gonna focus on having puppies and dogs and not bother with babies. Lovely lady, NOT!

[Divine]

Thank you for the great advice. I'm in a situation, where a close frind is going thorough this process.As I know she has heard all these comments. But she is so hurting inside. Your advice has helped me greatly to be there for her.

[AH]

Thank you for this... So many people do not understand what we are going through. This can help our loved ones understand what they say to us does hurt, and it is not just us being negative or to sensitive.

[Terry]

Thanks for your advice. My sister just discovered her ivf did not work and she feels she is done trying and is extremely sad. I love her deeply but am so scared anything I will say will wound her more. I consider myself a sensitive person, yet it is amazing how many of those no-no's have been on the tip of my tongue. I will stick to the supportive/loving/listening role and respect that she's responsible for deciding what to do next. THANKS.

[Paola]

Thank you so much for your article ! I have been struggling so much with comments that you mention... People don't do it on purpose but they just don't realize that what they say can hurt. Thanks

[Sunless Tanning Lotion]

Hey there, just wanted to say hello!

[mrsangelrr]

Thank you so much for posting this. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the past year. We just recently found out that we cannot have children, unless we opt in to do in-vitro and even then it's not a guarantee we will become pregnant. We have heard some very hurtful things from a lot of people. I have heard everything on this list plus more. Like some of the people who responded here, my mother was the one that said the most hurtful thing. My husband and I are both atheist. My mother told us that maybe if we just believed in god it would happen. I spent days crying over this and refused to talk with her. She didn't know why I was so upset until I was able to speak with her rationally. Since then she has come around and since we got our results she has been one of the most sensitive people on my side.