We're back at my in-laws' again for Christmas this year. I clearly remember the children's pageant portion of the service last year. So many adorable children - most Korean, some from Korean/white mixed marriages like my own. All beautiful blessings, and all so completely wrapped up in the joy of Christmas and in singing and dancing in front of their families and community. And, feeling sorry for myself, I just started crying. In the middle of church. My husband and my in-laws were thoroughly confused and concerned, and I couldn't stop myself. I would never know the joy of watching my own son or daughter up there.
We attended again last night and I thought for sure I would find myself crying again, this time for the joy of our blessing. But in spite of how damn cute those little Korean kids were, I didn't shed a tear. I was too overwhelmed by the hilarity of their "singing" and the littlest one trying to play the triangle by beating it into submission.
At this point I don't believe this pregnancy is a "miracle" or anything like that. In battling our infertility I never blamed God for our problems. I did stop going to church after our first failed IVF, but that was because I couldn't stop myself from crying during baptisms which, it felt at the time, were a weekly occurrence. I never felt that He turned His back on us. I felt no bitterness toward Him. I just figured that compared to everything else going on in the world, our inability to conceive was close to the least of His worries.
So why would I credit Him now with what has happened - what is likely a result of extremely fortunate coincidence of timing and biological fluctuation. If God doesn't smote me down for this viewpoint before I actually give birth, I do suspect my view will change as soon as I hold my baby in my arms for the first time. Until then, I'm still enjoying not crying at the drop of a hat.
Hi and Happy New Year:
I'm compiling a list of blogs for a new health website to direct people to the community in addition to basic health information. I'm the center manager for the infertility health area and a clinical psychologist. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and find your story very compelling. I'm happy to read about your pregnancy. Congratulations. I would like to post blogs links from people at different stages in their journey so other women and men can find a connection with others in similar circumstances or learn how they got to where they are now. Please email me and I can tell you more. Thanks!
[email protected]
Posted by: Tara | January 02, 2007 at 11:51 PM