This is a topic that's often on my mind because of the frequency with which it pops up on an online message board that I still visit daily for women struggling with infertility. The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse.
The fact that I seem to have overcome my infertility doesn't mean that I no longer think about this. On the contrary, I'm now afraid that people will hold up my husband and I as an example -- poster children for overcoming infertility -- and have us in mind when they say some of these unintentionally insensitive things to other women or couples who are struggling.
And so I offer you:
What not to say to someone dealing with infertility:
1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.
2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.
3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.
As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.
4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.
Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?
5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.
Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.
6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.
What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?
1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
2. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.
4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.
I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening. Thanks for reading!!!