Baroness von Barrenness

Patient Voices: Infertility

Wow - these audio commentaries on infertility on the New York Times really hit the nail(s!) on the head. Every single thing these women had to say resonated with me. I hope you'll take 10 minutes to give them a listen.

What to say to someone struggling with infertility

This is a topic that's often on my mind because of the frequency with which it pops up on an online message board that I still visit daily for women struggling with infertility. The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse.

The fact that I seem to have overcome my infertility doesn't mean that I no longer think about this. On the contrary, I'm now afraid that people will hold up my husband and I as an example -- poster children for overcoming infertility -- and have us in mind when they say some of these unintentionally insensitive things to other women or couples who are struggling.

And so I offer you:

What not to say to someone dealing with infertility:

1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.

2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.

3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.

As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.

4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.

Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?

5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.

Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.

6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.

What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?

1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

2. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.

4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.

I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening. Thanks for reading!!!

Happy "Wish-day" to me!

This might be a little attention whore-ish of me, or at least a little shameless cross-posting and self-promotion, although promotion doesn't seem like the right word either. But there was something that seemed fitting for both my [blog name removed] blog (which now also deals with my pregnancy and is read by friends and family) and this blog (which is still relatively anonymous and deals now with pregnancy after infertility/subfertility - and things I don't want my father to read about like shaving my hoo-ha).

Anyway, I thought the readers of this blog might like to read today's post [link removed - if you know me, you'll be able to find it] about an anniversary of sorts over at the other blog. I hope you like it.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

My belly button is disappearing. That's cool!

And my linea negra is showing. That probably should be cool, but it's not.

I'm also starting to have difficulty putting on shoes and socks. Maybe I was cocky. I never thought I would have as much difficulty doing those things as other pregnant woman do. I figured that my flexibility would work in my favor. Yeah...not so much.

I also made a startling realization in the shower today. I was shaving...ahem...down there, and realized that I'd better keep it up as frequently as I can now. Because one day, very very soon I fear, I will no longer be able to bend over to do it. Great.

Sorta scary

I had  a meeting this morning with a man whose company might print some brochures for us. But at some point while listening to him go on and on about his company and the town he lives in and all the other towns where his company has offices, I noticed that I started to feel a little light-headed.

Before work I'd eaten what I thought was a pretty good breakfast - some All Bran Fruit & Fibre cereal with yogurt and a glass of juice. So I knew it wasn't an empty stomach, and I hoped it would pass just by sitting calmly like I'd done Monday morning when I felt this way.

It took a while to get a break in the conversation when I thought I might be able to hurry through next steps and get him out the door. And in spite of hoping, it didn't go away by just sitting there. I'd never met the man before, so I didn't think I could just say, "Excuse me. I'm feeling faint,'' and lie down on the floor. I'm not that kind of girl. But eventually, as I asked for the name of the technical contact, tunnel vision began setting in a little.

THANK GOD I SHARE AN OFFICE WITH MY HUSBAND.

He heard me say, "Excuse me. I'm feeling faint,'' and ushered the man out of the office to the coffee machine so I could try and recover myself. I tried, sitting in my desk chair, to put my head between my knees. But it's become difficult lately to bend at the waist and breathe at the same time, so I thought I'd try a different position.

I was sort of draped on my chest and stomach over another office chair, my head and arms hanging over the back. I thought to myself, "This is a weird, sort of embarrassing position. I hope no one passing in the hallway has seen me. Then again, they might ask it I'm alright and I don't know when Charles will be back and ... how long has he been gone?"

And THEN I realized that I hadn't intentionally put myself in that position. I'd meant to sit on the floor against the wall.

So yeah - I'd blacked out in my office.

I slowly got myself up, closed the door to the office a little and lay down flat on my back.  It wasn't long before Charles returned, helped me to sit up, helped me to a chair (to sit in the proper position) and gave me some water and a spoon to eat some of the cottage cheese I'd brought to work with me.

I sat alone for a few minutes to make sure the light-headedness passed and then found them both in the lobby area discussing display materials. I quickly and apologetically wrapped up business with the printer and saw him off and generally felt fine the rest of the day.

I don't know exactly what caused it, but some quick Googling returned some pages about low blood pressure. (The nurse who took mine at my regular appointment yesterday said it was good.) But I'm definitely going to be more aware of how I'm feeling while driving and while walking the dog alone, especially in the mornings.

Retraction

Strike that bit from my last blog entry about not crying at the drop of a hat. Or rather, let me add a caveat. I cry at the drop of a hat when I attend church at First Presbyterian back "home" in Ann Arbor. It started maybe even before we were TTC. We would sing hymns and I'd get a little teary-eyed. And then we encountered the fertility problems and I couldn't sit through a baptism without crying. At that point we stopped going to church altogether. That was about a year and a half before we moved to the Netherlands.

We went back to the States over the holidays, North Carolina to visit family and Michigan to visit friends. And while in Ann Arbor I decided it would actually be really nice to get up early on Sunday and go to my "home church." It's not the church I grew up in, but it's the church we chose and the church in which we were married. It's the church where we could feel like we belonged and still feel anonymous. (Sorry Rev. Brouwer!) It was the church where we were challenged by sermons both intellectual and practical, and where we enjoyed a Dave Brubeck Christmas cantata! Such a beautiful and special place.

I figured that with the fertility problems behind us and no baptisms listed in the worship bulletin (PDF), I was home free! And then we stood up for the first hymn. "Angels, from the Realms of Glory." I got a little teary but recovered during the Prayer of Confession.

The Gloria Patri? "Glory be to the Father, and to the Son..." I nearly always lose it anyway, so no worries about a few tears shed there.

The hymn between the scripture and the sermon? "What Child Is This?" I totally kept my cool on that one.

And then came the Prayer of Dedication. Oh goodness.

It being New Year's Eve Day and all, Rev. Brouwer began talking about the past year (not an easy one for me - so many changes with my job and the move and the pregnancy) and about the year to come and - OH MY 2007 IS GOING TO BE A WHOPPER. I lost it completely.

Thank god it was a prayer and (I hope) everyone behind me was behaving like good Christian boys and girls with their heads bowed and their eyes closed because they might have seen my shoulders shaking. If not my shoulders shaking, then they surely would have seen me holding that pathetic, soggy tissue to my face and my face tensed into a grimace, overcome with I don't even know what.

Fortunately for me, the prayer was very close to the end of the service, and for the most part I was able to avoid the lines of people waiting to wish Rev. Beery a happy retirement at the door. It was starting to rain lightly as I made my way back to my rental car. I drove off to get myself a chai and a slice of lemon-poppyseed cake from the Caribou Coffee at Stadium & Packard. The guys at the register and the espresso machine were suspiciously friendly -- was my face splotchy from crying? were my eyes red and puffy? No, a visit to the ladies' room reassured me that my face was normal. And I remembered that the staff there were always oddly chipper anyway. I quickly got over the crying. And I'll return to First Pres (and that particular Caribou) any time I'm back in Ann Arbor.

Christmas pageant revisited

We're back at my in-laws' again for Christmas this year. I clearly remember the children's pageant portion of the service last year. So many adorable children - most Korean, some from Korean/white mixed marriages like my own. All beautiful blessings, and all so completely wrapped up in the joy of Christmas and in singing and dancing in front of their families and community. And, feeling sorry for myself, I just started crying. In the middle of church. My husband and my in-laws were thoroughly confused and concerned, and I couldn't stop myself. I would never know the joy of watching my own son or daughter up there.

We attended again last night and I thought for sure I would find myself crying again, this time for the joy of our blessing. But in spite of how damn cute those little Korean kids were, I didn't shed a tear. I was too overwhelmed by the hilarity of their "singing" and the littlest one trying to play the triangle by beating it into submission.

At this point I don't believe this pregnancy is a "miracle" or anything like that. In battling our infertility I never blamed God for our problems. I did stop going to church after our first failed IVF, but that was because I couldn't stop myself from crying during baptisms which, it felt at the time, were a weekly occurrence. I never felt that He turned His back on us. I felt no bitterness toward Him. I just figured that compared to everything else going on in the world, our inability to conceive was close to the least of His worries.

So why would I credit Him now with what has happened - what is likely a result of extremely fortunate coincidence of timing and biological fluctuation. If God doesn't smote me down for this  viewpoint before I actually give birth, I do suspect my view will change as soon as I hold my baby in my arms for the first time. Until then, I'm still enjoying not crying at the drop of a hat.

If I could predict the future...

...and knew whether or not DH was going to get me a Christmas gift, I just might order this for myself. Gotta love CafePress.

Because I'm full of Christmas joy...

...just thought I'd share a couple fun links sure to be appreciated by the subfertility crowd:

• RE office snowflakes (courtesy of A Little Pregnant)
• Infertility snowflake patterns (also courtesy of A Little Pregnant)
• IVF Barbie (courtesy of So Close - possibly originated elsewhere)

Merry Christmas!
-The Barrenness

p.s. Yes, I'm totally Pregnant Veteran Barbie.

Out of the proverbial closet

Charles finally spoke with the doctor again last Tuesday. He had spoken with some colleagues about our test results and about what we knew from PGD. They agreed with him that they would advise against CVS, and they don't think we need to worry about problems with the other chromosome pairs.

And the good news sharing began! There were a handful of people whom we'd told already about the pregnancy: our parents (of course), siblings, closest friends and our boss. Now we've started sending out emails to the larger group of friends and former coworkers, and we've gotten such amazing responses from people who are so happy for us. 

Here are a few of the really fun ones:

• OH MY GOD!!! Congratulations! I'm so excited for you guys, I'm crying and I swear it's not because I'm like a thousand weeks pregnant myself and willing to cry over anything. ;) I have baby stuff like crazy to send you - and just - *squeeee*. I'm glad everything is looking good, please keep us posted!
• YAY! Oh my god!!!!! Yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Okay, I know that this is pretty poor response time for me, but I've been somewhat dumbstruck. I've always believed that you folks would make fantastic parents. I'm so happy that this is happening for you guys.
• WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!  Many many many many congrats. I am so happy for you guys. No one could ask for better parents, so that's one lucky kid. Enjoy this time...
• Congratulations!!! Can't believe you made us wait until almost the end of the email. Steve and I are both so thrilled for you and Charles. Although we never really discussed it, I know how desperately you had wanted this to happen and I can't imagine two people more deserving of being parents.  We'll look forward to long distance baby pictures in the spring.
• OMG!!!!! This is wonderful news!  I am sitting here trying to hold back my tears of joy! I really needed to hear news like this. We are so happy for you both! And your minion will have dual citizenship I am guessing? How cool is *that*! Happy Happy Joy Joy!
• Hooray and wonderful news! Made my whole month!
• I don't know that I have ever been happier upon hearing about a pregnancy than when I heard your news - so a big old, from the bottom of my heart congratulations -- I/We are thrilled for you both!!

It feels so great to finally start to feel more excited than worried about this pregnancy, and to share the excitement with all these special people.

We even got our first baby gift last week! We had dinner with a coworker and his family, and they gave us a onesie! How cool is that?